Not So Wise After All
The past month has been a trainwreck. I've been experiencing a lot of mood swings, depression and anxiety. On top of that, I got sick for the first time since being in Norway; like properly sick, stuck to your bed, can't talk kinda go. Plus I got my wisdom tooth pulled out!! Here's a pic:
I find when experiencing my depression, I now often implode. I can't find the courage to talk to those closest to me as often as I would and I become extremely irritable. So as the lid on the pot starts to shake and quiver from all the pressure building up inside is happening, I'm often left feeling abandoned and angry. Today I had a session with a psychologist and she seems like a great fit for me. So what's been bothering me exactly?
Well obviously the whole adjusting to a new country, language and society. It’s also small things like how incredibly grateful I am for the men in my life and it makes me sad that my father couldn't be a better man. Let me tell you, I've got myself a wonderful father-in-law who is kind, loving and generous with his time. It's also I'm scared… I'm scared of letting go a lot of shit that has made me and contributed to the making of me. For instance, chaos. Yes, sounds strange but I've become so accustomed to a chaotic life and now I've got a calm, mundane and SAFE life that I'm fucking losing my shit. I don't know how to live calmly and I often find myself, a lot actually, saying that I'm crazy and that's justification for my outbursts…
I'm feeling overwhelmed with feelings of loneliness, purposeless and grief. It's been an exhausting ride with the ups and downs and I'm ready to kick it in the ass. I'm currently on my way to gym…
PSA: Come through with the love and support. I need it and I need reminders that I'm doing good.
Hope y'all have a good week