Let There Be Light
We recently attended our first therapy session together as a couple. It was deadly, I took a lot from it and had a few revelations about myself. I think together we both came out of it loving and caring about each other even more. I will admit that the past few weeks have been hard and yes the depression made a come back as I’ve mentioned in Dangerous Minds but I’m dealing with it in a way that keeps me safe. I’ve seen my doctor and he has referred me to a psychologist, whoo hoo! So ready to talk even more about my dilemmas... I’ve decided to not get back on the meds because it was incredibly tough to get off them and I know that all I want is a neutral person to talk to. I have tried to ‘counsel’ with family members and friends, maybe not everyone but the ones I’ve spoken to have proven to be more pragmatic about things when in fact I want to be a whiny ass and just vent about stuff without any real solution. As I said, professional needed! But I do thank everyone for taking the time to listen to me, especially my number one man who has been so patient with me.
The couple’s counselling brought a lot of light to some situations and I think the biggest light bulb moment was my skewed idea of parenting. I was connecting the abuse I’ve experienced, the hitting and smacking, being spoken to in a nasty manner, being yelled at and other, to my culture. It sounds weird but makes a whole lot of sense to me because I’ve become accustomed to such behaviours all my life, it has somehow embedded itself in my mind that this is what it is to be a black fulla. Wrong... I realised all this because during the past few weeks I felt as though I was having an identity crisis with being off country and what it means to be black.
So for me as a parent, my main goals are to provide a home that is safe, secure and no violence. Yes, I’ve yelled at my daughter and I get short but I don’t want to be like my mother or father. I am a good enough parent but it’s tough when sometimes taking the higher road can feel I am losing a bit of myself. My abuse is not my culture.
I come from the oldest, living culture in the world! From people who care for our land, from people who were some of the first astronomers, from people with warrior blood and staunch resilience. I come from power and strength, that’s my culture and I hope to instil that within my daughter. Even though I’ve been confused about my culture and the connection of my perceptions of parenting, I know moving forward through the help of my man and our therapist I will be able to disconnect the two because one does not mean the other.
Side break: I have been referred to anger management. As weird as it sounds, I know it will help give me the tools to calm myself. Hell yeah, I’ve got a lot to be angry about but I need to learn to deal with them in a manner that keeps myself and those around me safe. I feel like a little pocket rocket sometimes and want to throw hands but I swear I am all talk and no action!
While the mental state has been in troubled waters everything else is actually pretty good. Let’s see, The Bean is enjoying her daycare and finally enjoying the snow, we actually had an awesome weekend of sledding and making slides in our garden. She has also just realised that Mamma speaks a bit of norwegian, so now her and I have our own little conversations and she remembers to repeat in english if I don’t understand. How cool and thoughtful is she? I have also checked out a space called ‘Deadly Bloggers’, a site that is the first and only directory of bloggers who are Indigenous! I’ve requested to join them and will start their 52-week challenge of blogging from next week.
Stay tuned for more! And huge thanks to all those sending me love during my tough times, ya’ll don’t know how much it really means to me.
DISCLAIMER: This blog is just my personal views and thoughts on life. They should in no way be used as a substitute for professional help with anything. If you or someone you know suffers from mental illness please get professional help. For help with mental illness in Australia, you can contact Beyond Blue at 1300 22 4636 or through their website here https://www.beyondblue.org.au/. For help with mental illness in Norway, you can contact Hjelpetelefonen at 116 123 or contact your local mental health centre. If you’re anywhere else in the world please search for mental health professionals in your area.