Tonight I shed a tear for my dad and tonight I am just feeling incredibly alone with my thoughts about him. I often think back to when I was a small kid and the memories of how fantastic my dad was, when he would always joke around with us kids or when he would take us to our sports matches.
I don’t talk about it much but I am deeply heartbroken that I don’t have a dad. I do but I don’t and I feel (some of the time) I am to blame for him rotting away in a small, dark cell...
You know how when a child knows it’s mother’s smell or can tell who was coming down the hall from how heavy the feet would fall? I remember my mother’s smell and how much I felt at home.
I feel incomplete. I feel as though I missing out on something great, the relationship between a father and daughter… Don’t get me wrong, I have fantastic male figures in my life but it’s the biological connection, the same blood, flesh. In high school, I used to be so frustrated and upset when my friends would talk about their father’s and how great they are. I remember when mine was good, but how long will those memories last? Tonight was the first time I had cried in a long time about him and I won’t lie, I miss him. The one who introduced me to music, how to play an instrument, how to be a disciplined athlete… but he’s fucking crazy and I feel crazy for missing such a horrid person.
That’s tonight. Just the other day I told someone that I suffer from depression and PTSD and their response was that I don’t look depressed. I’ve been really trying to think of the things that are good in my life and I know what and who they are. I’ve been told that I have a lovely smile, just like my mum and happy eyes like my dad but at times being inside me makes it hard to smile. Even when it’s good.
Since living here, nobody smiles on the subway, bus or tram. I get it, it’s the winter and why waste the energy right? I used to smile a lot to people on public transport in Sydney but now I don’t budge. I’ve been taking small comfort in the bottle once a week, with music blasting from my past; Eagles, REO Speedwagon, Toto, Al Green, Bob Marley, Queen, Guns n Roses, Boston, Silverchair… usually ending in me feeling sorry for myself.
Things are not too bad here, on the outside. Inside is another story. Tonight and just tonight, I miss my dad. I wonder what life would have been like if he wasn’t a manipulative, violent, drug and alcohol abusing rapist?
I wonder if he ever thinks about what he’s done and the impact of his actions? The ripples flowing endlessly.
This is a lifetime of agony. There will be lots of mixed emotions and feels around parental relations but fuck am I lucky to have the wonderful people around me who nurture me and love me. Even when I’m acting crazy.