You still in here?
Yet again, I've been down in the dumps with my good old friend, depression. We've had quite a tumultuous relationship in the past and I can tell you that it's not nice to have it back in my life... again. I've been neglectful of everything in my life, my family, relationships, friends, hygiene and quite a few times had I lost the urge to live and breathe. It's been tough for everyone and no doubt it's been incredibly scary. To some this may so easily seem like a case of 'rub some dirt in it', 'toughen up' or 'here we go again', and I get it, I really do. It's exhausting to all parties involved and it's not like 'we' mean to be like this, we don't want to be like this.
So yes, this is (in some way) an apology to all my nearest and dearest, and to you who read my blog, but mostly myself. I love life and everyone in it, and I'm working on me to get well so i can be here for the long run. I'm back on meds, new ones, and they're going okay. In the beginning it was tough, as I experienced a range of symptoms such as: loss of appetite, suicidal thoughts and loss of concentration and interest in things. Now it's more leveled and I feel like I'm in a more stable position mentally and emotionally. I'm also super homesick and in need of a trip back to Australia to get back in touch with my roots. But we're currently the middle of moving apartments!! Many things are happening and life is busy, which isn't bad but it can be exhausting and frustrating.
Side break: I also got let go from my job, it was a mutual agreement that work was tough for me to handle, especially with only 5 months Norwegian language study and replanting roots in a foreign country. I don't feel as bad about it as I should but it does leave a lot of financial stress on my husband but he's been great in supporting me with my decision to leave this job as well. I also am not qualified for a bunch of jobs that I really want to get into and most job advertisements are looking for people with minimum bachelor degree etc… so that can leave me feeling bummed about my education and that. I've only got my high school diploma and 2 years of study in a BA in Communication to rely on and quite frankly it ain't cutting here in Norway. I've got friends with masters degrees… freaking masters degrees. You know, education is everything where I come from, as it is a means out of the cycle of poverty, drug addiction and violence. It's opened doors for many and helped others to see life differently. I place huge value on education and I'm just deeply frustrated about my own situation, but moving forward.
Not only have I been living in my little bubble of frustration but the weather most definitely isn't helping either. Autumn has come and conquered the warm, hazy days of summer (a short-lived one mind you) and brought with it a bunch of rain and cold. However, the colours of autumn are gorgeous: reds, oranges, yellows, browns and greens. So it isn't all so bad. It's good to be back and writing again, I've been writing a lot in my journal, especially through the darker period of my depression and have been working a bit on some poetry. I've always loved poetry, call me a hopeless romantic if you must, and have always wanted to perform at a poetry slam! Bit of a stretch from here to there but one day. I've also been spending 5-6 days at the gym, lifting heavy weights. Working out has always been one of my favourite things to do and now I'm seeing a lot of progress and muscle definition! I have made an Instagram account, purely for accountability purposes but also to show off my guns! Give it a follow and help your girl kick (her own) ass in the gym: @blakgirlfit
Look, I love this blog and want to keep it going, I've been advised that videos are perhaps the best way to go. What do you guys think of that? Want to get down and deep with things that are happening in the life of Najawakoo, in video form? Okay, that sort of sounds like I'm about to become a camgirl, this is not the case people! Just that it's a bit intimidating behind the camera, anyway I'll think on it a while.
Some 'good' news is my 25th birthday is in a few days and all I can think is, what do I have to show for it? So pessimistic, I know. But really, moving to another country has flipped it upside down, actually it more or less threw my whole life across the room, out the window and even the bus has run over it. I got plans though, as I have few options in Norway (until I master this language), only 1 university in the south-east has a teaching degree in English! I'm going to apply for studies next year and hope I get in, then only another 3 years (if I'm good) until I get the degree. Life is slow and i just gotta roll with the punches, what else is a girl to do but just that?
Hoping you all are warm, whether it's in the lovely southern sunshine (in Australia) or you're all rugged up in the autumn cold, and life is giving you the goods. Let's find happiness in the things that are tangible, like our partners, our children, a good book, a sleep in (does this one count?) or flowers even cause feelings/emotions are (for now) in the bin.
Sending y'all all the love.