It started with anxiety, which gradually developed into chest heavy panic attacks and then followed the suicidal thoughts. I don't understand what has brought these feelings on, perhaps it was my previous post on Suicide or the impending doom of another Jan 26th where your whole country is celebrating the arrival of the end of your people? I don't know. But, what I do know is this delves deeper and I'm feeling as though a new excuse is always brought up to savour the guilty taste in my mouth as the words leave my lips. I do know that it's incredibly dilapidating when your thoughts can change your demeanour in a matter of seconds and I know how caged it feels when put in this position time and again.
I'm writing this today to remind myself that I have survived and I continue to fucking survive. The depression felt as though it was about to swallow me whole, and I was almost too ready to end this life but here I stand. I've been surrounded by love since being here in Norway, and that is something I must remind myself of. As depression can often lead to 'false truths’ and leave you isolating yourself from that love.
‘False truths' are when our minds convince us of something that is entirely wrong. For example, this week I had a panic attack at school because we were discussing suicide in class and I had been having those thoughts all week already. Coming into class feeling ready to tackle the day when only to be running to the bathroom to breakdown, hyperventilate and pull myself together. Only to make another run again. So you see, my mind had convinced me that these thoughts of suicide will never go away because they're present in my classroom but in fact they're a lie!
I recognise that my brain is telling me ‘false truths’, little lies that pick at me until I doubt myself. I recognise the frustration of being a spectator in my own self as my mind tells my body that I'm in danger and so I go into full blown panic attack mode. What I want to talk about is how hard it is to remind ourselves of the love we are surrounded by when we are in such situations. For the life of me, I know it's so damn hard to remind myself when I'm in the depths of despair but what I do is thinking about, most often, is how my behaviour and mood can affect The Bean and my partner.
Without my wonderful partner things would be tough. Over the years we've been together, he has grounded me, helped me manage my mental health and given such immense love that it always reminds me of how lucky I am. He is also lucky cause I am freaking awesome (self talk is always good for those suffering from depression and anxiety!). But yes, reminding ourselves of the things that are good in our lives, the things that are safe will help to ground ourselves again and the fog will lift bit by bit.
I feel as though I am over the hump of this and I'm taking the active steps (with the help of my gorgeous man) to get my mental health in serious check. I've got a doctor's appointment this Wednesday and counselling on Thursday! I've been trying to get to the gym but that's been hard, one thing I'm glad for is I've managed to be outside this year for 28 outta the 29 days!
I can do this and I will. I need to stop putting such high expectations on myself in order to integrate fully into this society, you know my thinking is that if I learn this language as quickly as possible then I'd be set. Wrong. I just need time to adjust to living in lovely Norway, it's all still new and I need to take it all in slowly. The language will come, as will other opportunities like work and study. Rome wasn't built in a day and I sure ain't gonna be speaking norsk by tomorrow. Slowly but surely.
A huge thank you to everyone who showed me love and support through my social media accounts. It's truly fantastic to have love coming from everywhere!
I need a coffee after this. Who's buying?