Love and Lillehammer
I’m on the train heading back to Oslo from Lillehammer and I am missing my man so much. We came up together as he has been working there for the past couple of weeks. We haven't really spent a lot of time together in the past few months as he works full-time and given everything that's happened, I have been so caught up in my own world which left me forgetting about him.
He misses me and I miss him.
We stayed at a cosy hotel, where he would spend the rest of the week alone. The small city is surrounded by snow covered mountains and with a high of -3 and low of -8 degrees. We took a stroll around Lillehammer and already the Christmas season is coming in. Lovely decorations hang from the stores and a street so cleverly called 'Christmas Street’ is lined with star shaped decorations that are strung from one side to the other. It's cute but damn it’s cold.
The early hours of this morning, my love woke me from my deep sleep and he begun to tell me that he has been struggling with feelings of loneliness, anxiety and depression, he can feel them looming over him. I'm glad he found the strength to tell me, but I must admit (and it sounds incredibly selfish) I'm also incredibly sad because in a small but big way, I have let my love down. I will be the first to say that over the years I've learnt to become selfish emotionally and mentally because growing up I never got to be selfish and I always had to be the bigger person for my siblings and my mother. I know how difficult it can be with me because I can be so emotionally demanding and quite stubborn. I guess I've become so use to the mundanity and calmness of our relationship? I mean I am so comfortably in love with my man! I feel since being with him I've really been able to let my hair down and in all my flaws and craziness he has given me freedom to be however I want. In saying that I haven't been thinking about his needs and he's right, we need to reignite our flame and come back together again. Mind, body and soul.
I will never deny his feelings, but sometimes I wish he could be as open as I am at times. He's incredibly giving and patient (my god, so patient!) But it's gotten to the point where he can't give anymore and I completely understand! We've both figured that perhaps he is burnt out from work, which can be overwhelming, and also having a family at home is a lot for a 24-year-old man.
He needs to become more demanding (or selfish) as I have over the years, and I'm okay with that. I understand when going through depression and/or anxiety it is hard to reach out but I don't ever want him to feel like I've abandoned him. I want to be there for him every step of the way and if he needs more of me then I can give that. While offering my ears and thoughts to others going through depression/mental illness, I've been oblivious to the fact that my man should be number 1 on that list! My god girl!
I feel that compromise is non existent in intimate relationships because we should always be doing things for our partners that bring happiness, security and kindness. Love should not be a chore and that's something I feel everyone should remember. I most definitely have to start practising this, not saying that I've felt it being a chore but I've become too comfortable, you know what I'm saying? I too, should be the torch bearer for us as well and I'm so overdue to 'carry’ the both of us.
I know that I do need to be a better partner for both of us. I was too worried about everyone and everything else that I forgot about my love and how I can help him get through this. I feel as though I have failed him but I am willing to fix it at any cost, he is my forever love and the day we welcomed The Bean, that was it. It was us, the three of us together and making it work. I'm glad we've got each other and moving forward I will try my best to support him in all ways possible.
Love is complex but we're managing it, living in it and trying to hold onto it.
DISCLAIMER: This blog is just my personal views and thoughts on life. They should in no way be used as a substitute for professional help with anything. If you or someone you know suffers from mental illness please get professional help. For help with mental illness in Australia, you can contact Beyond Blue at 1300 22 4636 or through their website here https://www.beyondblue.org.au/. For help with mental illness in Norway, you can contact Hjelpetelefonen at 116 123 or contact your local mental health centre. If you’re anywhere else in the world please search for mental health professionals in your area.